This feeling comes over me without warning and I can’t explain to myself what it is. I try to sort through it and pick an event or thought that could have made it happen. I never can. It’s like fear, anxiety and guilt all wrapped up in a sticky, snarling, mocking cloud. It’s dark and overbearing. It makes me want to call for help as if I were drowning or sliding off a cliff. But I know there is no one there to call out to. Or more precisely no one that I want to think that I am mentally ill, which of course I am, but I try not to remind people of it if I can help it.
It feels frightening, unsettling and inescapable. It’s as if something really terrible has happened but it hasn’t. Then it is if something really terrible is going to happen, but what? It makes me want to drink or take drugs or just run out of the house screaming. I know I can’t run out of the house because that’s where it lives, out there, out there in the shadows waiting for my mistake. Waiting to grab me and hurt me. I mustn’t go out there and I mustn’t cry for help. It makes my breath shallow and my muscles tense. My hearing becomes sharper and my body is aware of everything. I can honestly say that I hate this feeling more than anything. It is the absolute complete opposite of calm or peaceful. I was calm and peaceful earlier today. What happened? Nothing that’s what. Nothing at all. That is why this feeling, killer, monster whatever its name is always scares me so much.
It’s wild like an animal. It has no sense of decorum. It is primitive and out of control and it takes me whenever it wants. I have no defense against it, at least not so far. I absolutely hate it. It takes everything good and makes it bad, it takes contentment and turns it to yearning. It takes peace and turns it to fear. It makes everything seem impossible perhaps even one more breath.
It’s sinister. That is what it is. It is evil. Why does it want to pick on me? Is it real or just some strange chemical imbalance in my head that comes and goes? If I talk about it will people think that I am completely insane? I am a mental health professional so I know what it is not. If I had to pin it down I would say it is closer to anxiety more than any other malady. But it seems more than that and the suddenness, unpredictability and evil nature really bother me.
I can’t name it. I can’t tame it and I can’t get away from it. It holds me until it’s done. I want my morning and afternoon back. Maybe it has to do with darkness. I have never paid much attention to the time of day it chooses to visit. Perhaps the light holds it at bay and when my half of the world is in the shadow it wakes and visits. Visit is not the correct word. It is more like a violent home invasion. One in which everyone is terrorized and unable to fight back. Yes, that’s it, a wild animal monster that smashes through your doors and holds you for as long as it chooses and then leaves with just a bit of your soul and your sanity and a promise to return.
