I hate to complain so much, but I really am starting to wonder WTF? I am a good person. I try very hard to be kind and caring to others. I am the person who waves you through the four way stop. I am the person that picks up other people’s road thrash. I am a Christian who prays and reads the bible. I just do not know how in the world I could try any harder.It just seems that I can’t seem to catch a break.
I won’t go into my past, but trust me a lot of it’s not pretty. And then there is the part that was beautiful and magical. It’s just been so long since anything beautiful or magical has appeared in my life.
The things that it seems that I am being punished for are some of the noblest things that I have ever done.For instance reporting my former employer for negligence and endangering the lives of children. I’ve put myself out there to fight injustice, protect children and animals. I am the person that will stand up in a crowd and speak the truth. I am the person that has no choice in these matters. If I didn’t stand up when it’s time I would probably implode. Despite all the negative consequences I would do it all again.
Compared to the majority of the world I am very blessed. I am very blessed in many ways, but I am still in so much emotional pain. A very wise woman once told me that we all feel our pain at one hundred percent. In other words comparing yourself to those even less fortunate does not negate what you are feeling.
I feel as if I am doing a very poor job communicating right now. It seems as if I have really said nothing of substance. I apologize. Feel free to tune out at any time. I guess this is the result of feeling so conflicted about everything. One day I vow that I will live alone and not date or seek relationships with men because I have been hurt so much. Then today I decided to try a 10 day free trial of E Harmony. I am so ambivalent about the whole thing. I am bored and lonely but my heart is really not in it.
I wonder if there is anyone that I can trust or if men will respond because I am attractive and they really are only interested in sex. Then I think God what if no one is interested. I was brutally honest about everything I submitted which is probably enough to scare the crap out of anyone.
I wish that I had a man to live with that I could make disappear at will. Today when I was out trying to construct a make shift dog house for my pets and it was hard I wished for someone stronger than me or least someone to laugh at my efforts. I have lived the majority of my life with men which really do come in handy. It’s hard being alone and responsible for everything. If I had money I would hire a handy man and be done with it.
Money, oh my gosh, that is another source of my distress. I don’t have any. I mean any! I am unemployed and can’t find work. I barely get by selling my possessions which is especially hard since I am not used to living this way. I wouldn’t dream of spending a dime on a restaurant meal. It’s really crazy because my monthly sushi bill was what the amount of my rent is now.
I know these are hard times for a lot of people and there is nothing so special about me that I don’t deserve to suffer as much as anyone. It is just hard right now. I am hopeful that my long dry spell of bad breaks will end. It’s only been eight years, which is ridiculously long in my opinion or at least based on my personal experience.
A friend told me to think positive because that will attract positive things. I know this, thank you very much. Although it sounds easy I am just so not there.